So, I tried to sum up my year like I did at the end of 2012, but it just didn’t wanna come out of my brain. I also wanted to finish this post yesterday: have a nice clean closing of the 2013 book on December 31st so I could celebrate New Years Eve with nothing on my mind, and wake up this morning a clean slate.
Well, none of that worked out how I wanted. As hard as I tried, the words didn’t seem to fit together yesterday. And then it came time to leave for celebrations, and as I learned last year, you can’t stay home and write a blogpost when life is calling–you’ve got to live first, write about living second. (Or last, perhaps).
And what happened when I didn’t get my way? Absolutely Nothing. The world didn’t end, I still had a great time celebrating, and I woke up this morning feeling great in spite of (or more likely because of) the fact that I let go of the false need to finish everything at an arbitrary moment. I stopped forcing it, and went with the flow. No, I wasn’t able to close my 2013 book neatly and wrap it with a bow, but if there’s one thing I learned last year, it’s that nothing is neat. Life is fucking messy. But there’s beauty among the wreckage.
Part of the reason that I wasn’t able to write about 2013 the way I’m used to summing up my years is that a lot of really tough shit happened, and I’m still digesting it. I’m still processing the trauma, the healing, the love and the loss. One year ended and another began, but the changing of a number has very little impact on my life. It is fluid, and does not start anew just because a page in a calender turns. 2013 is still a part of me.
So, in true 2013 fashion, I have to learn to live with what is. I’ve learned this year not to try and force things; to feel what I’m feeling and own it, no matter how downright awful it is; to keep going however I can, with what I have in this very moment. To be honest, even when it means admitting I’m way less than perfect. To share, connect, and stay involved even when I’m not feeling my shiny best.
I look forward to sharing the specifics of 2013, in particular how I got through 6 months of anxiety, depression, and the other goodies that come with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Stay tuned for that.
Anyways, since I’m unable to sum up 2013 yet, I thought I’d share my ideas for 2014.
Last year was a lot of putting out fires and treading water to stay afloat. I made it through that, and I’m ready to grow.
I really like Leo Babauta’s idea to work on one change every month and I plan to do that myself. I made a list of areas I’d like to focus on growing on. They are:
- money: making, saving, organizing
- going medication-free
I’m only going to work on one per month–small goals ensure higher success rate. I’m likely to get less discouraged and quit when my focus is small and simple. There are more than 12 areas I’d like to focus on, so I won’t get to all of them this year. And rather than choose all 12 right now, I’ll pick the next month’s focus at the end of the current month.
For January, I’m going to focus on food–being more mindful during chewing, preparation, and selection. Choosing foods that make me feel good. Less sugar, more whole foods. That type o’ thing. Stay tuned for that, too. I’d like to post about each month’s endeavor.
My motivation for each month will be to feel good. Feeling good will help me make good decisions in relationships and business; I’ll enjoy them more deeply and be able to contribute more.
What do you want this year?